drunkencomputing

Hodge has always called the Fox News Channel “Fox Terror News.”  I knew why this was, because they predict nothing but doom and gloom if anything newsworthy is slightly skewed to the left.  But I didn’t know that this broadcasting method extended to all faucets of conservative media.  So imagine my surprise when I was forced to listen to right-wing talk radio for fucking HOURS yesterday.  I’d never heard such a bunch of garbage in my life.

For the record, I hate liberal media as well.  They are eccentric jerk-offs who irritate me with their whining.  I think that who ever started the political media machine way back when simply created an unspoken challenge between the two political parties to see who could out-whine and out-annoy each other more.

Anyway, driving back from Nebraska yesterday, the person who had the wheel was a very staunch Republican–the type that called in sick to work the day after the 2008 election because they were probably drinking away the McCain loss.  Since he was driving, he gets control of the radio (I’m very much for this rule in road trips).  It started with country music, which he gleefully whistled along with.  I wanted to slit my wrists just to see color, but opted insted to try and take a nap.  I knew that if the country music was any indication, by the time we hit the Twin Cities, the Terror News Network would be playing on the radio.  I was filled with dread.

Sure enough, we hit the Twin Cities metro and 100.3 KTALK came in with, who else?  Rush Limbaugh, blabbering like a moron.  I know that part of the time it was my left-leaning method that only heard whiny fat whale tears splashing on the microphone most of the time, so I simply made faces any time Rush took a “swing” at the liberals by calling them some sort of “risque” name like “wussies.”  This is what this man says to be the stand-in head of the Republican party?  I’m no genius, but I have some more creative name-calling techniques than that.  Elect me to that post.

Rush, at times, would have a good point or two, but he’d taint it immediately by not shutting up.  Two things I recall he said of certain honesty was that the media was in love with Obama.  This is true, they are.  Obama is a very charismatic person, very likeable, even to some right-wing individuals (I’m lookin your way, Mr. Arlen Spector!).  But instead of trying to figure out why the media is so in love with Obama–and what we listening folks as Republicans can do about it–he simply says that the American media has “drank the Kool-aid.”  End of discussion.  We’re just a bunch of sheep being led to the slaughter because we finally have a president who isn’t a tool bag.  Why not offer some things to criticize the president on, as a Republican media outlet, and try and build up your offensive to make America see that Obama isn’t all sugar cane and plumb cakes?  Instead you just generalize the American public–the American public that elected said man to office.  Way to rally your troops and make you sound like a complete idiot.  Idiot.

The other thing Rush said is that the Republican party, essentially, is weak.  He said that someone in the party needs to step up and take a few shots at the president, because the president is doing somethings wrong, and may continue to do them wrong in the future.  I agree completely, this is why there are two political parties, right?  Someone from the Republicans should step up and question the prez instead of sitting on their side of the aisle and whining to the media softly under their breath.  Someone over here take charge and, if you have to, be ostracized from the Republican party.  But aren’t you supposed to be doing stuff for your country, and not your party?  Instead, Rush doesn’t say this…he says that someone from the party should step up, take a few swipes at the President by saying that he’s single-handedly destroying the country.  Not that the Chrysler thing was a big oopsie-daisey, or that just throwing money we don’t have at a problem will fix it…no, just that Obama is one step away from shitting on the American flag and then shooting a bald eagle out of the sky.  Another typical fat-face mistake.  Rush, you had some great points going, but your stupid mouth got in the way again.

When the three-ring circus that is the Rush show ended, it was time for some cleverly placed ads that cemented conservative media as the Terror News Network for me.  The first ad was attempting to scare the shit out of people it was actually hilarious (and I apologize to the three people in the U.S. who have fallen victims to this act for saying that): forced home invasions.  The ad claimed we should protect ourselves from forced home invasions–where criminals come up and ring the doorbell, then force themselves inside your house and take your family hostage.  I’m not making this fucking shit up, I’m laughing as I type it.  To protect ourselves from a forced home invasion, the Terror News Network recommends buying a security system, creating a family emergency plan (this is actually the only good idea they had), and “even buying a dog.”  What kind of fucking fruitcake moron a) identified forced home invasion as a growing concern in America and b) recommended getting a dog as a method to curb such a problem?  The ad continued to say that forced home invasion tears apart families and is on the rise in the U.S.  I was completely dumb-founded by the ad, literally scaring people into a Brinks home security system and a coon hound to protect themselves from “forced home invasion,” as if this is one of the biggest threats to Americans nowadays.  Not buckling your seatbelt, drunk driving, or being fat and lazy and getting heart disease as something you should concern yourself with…nay, home invasions.  And by the way, it was WHEN you have your home forcely invaded, not IF you have it forcely invaded.  Hey, it’s the Terror News Network.

Then, as if a big slap in the face, the ad was brought to you by the Ad Council.  Sigh.

Next up was the one of the world’s largest radio-personality doofus, Sean Hannity.  Again, for the record, I think the largest doofus radio personality is whoever is on XM Radio’s America Left channel, who openly invites Republicans to call in to the show, but end up nursing their wounds as they get beat up by the leftists media.  As the slogan goes, “Republicans come calling, but they always end up crawling.”  Puh-leez, Jesus, do people buy this shit?  Sean Hannity’s topic of conversation for this first hour block of his 22-hour show was Swine Flu.  All my mind heard was “EVERYONE WILL DIE FROM SWINE FLU” in Hannity’s broadcast.  He brought in some guy from an organization that tracks pandemics–the guest doctor himself sounded like he had swine flu, as his voice was rasphy and wheezy–and continued to ask him one-sided questions about the new global pandemic that will eventually wipe out the earth.  Questions were like, “this is similiar to the 1918 virus that killed 40-50 million people.”  That’s not a questions, stupid, that’s a stupid-kid statement.  The doctor tried to reply by saying that we were better prepared nowadays since this *is* 2009 and 1918, and we don’t blood-let or use brutal tournaqets anymore.  Hannity wouldn’t hear it and continued to try and draw parallels between 1918 and the swine flu.  Eventually he wore down the doctor and he simply rasped slanted agreements without compromising his company’s position.  This continued for another 20 minutes, until Hannity told us if we didn’t by flowers from 1-800 PRO FLOWERS, we didn’t really love our moms.

By this time, I could change the radio station as the most bull-headed Republican left the vehicle and I had control over the radio.  I was completely dumb-founded and quickly dubbed the radio station the Terror News Network…here’s how you will die.  Only Republicans can save you.  Obama is the Anti-Christ.  We’re a bunch of wussies.  Yeah, I can all names too, Rush.  Maybe I can be the Democratic party leader.  I bet I can call Republicans cooler names.

What smells like updog in here?